Blue Man Group ghost story:  by  Jim Ellis (with inspiration from John Landrum)

________________________________________________________

Let me tell you about the blue man group...

they don't perform anymore, they just direct the 8 different touring versions of the Blue Man Group.

That's right, 8 different copies, performing in 8 different cities.

I used to date one of the "Smurfs"... that's what the insiders call the performers in the copy groups... smurfs.

That guy was so fucked up.

He was always making these muscle protein shakes, that's all he ate or drank.

It's powdered cow brain you know.

He spilled it one time.

This jug of 4 gallons of powdered cow brain.

It made this cloud of brain in my apartment that didn't leave for weeks.

He would shoot steroids and tell me about how he was getting his "act together".

Those steroids invoke these aggressive mood swings.

One time he flipped out while shooting, left the needle in his arm, and pulled out this ventriloquist dummy.

It was a 4 foot one foot wide wooden penis that he called "Woody".

"don't think I'm a dick for this... but I voted Dick and Bush"

"Don't think I'm a dick for saying this but men should leave the seat up"

"Don't think I'm cocky..."

"How much wood would a wood pecker peck, if a wood pecker would peck wood?"

Endless lame puns, while that needle just hung there in his arm and that forehead vain bulging with his accelerated heartbeat.

That wasn't the worst of it though.

For Halloween one time, he bought me a strawberry shortcake outfit, and demanded I wear it.

When I wouldn't he grabbed it and left in a huff.

I saw him hours later on the street, painted up in blue, wearing the strawberry shortcake outfit ... he pissed himself all over himself.

He was absolutely trashed, and he was miming about the end of the world to this group of stoned out skateboarder kids.

I tried to convince him to leave, but he wouldn't.

I left him there.

I walked by hours later, and he was passed out and had been spray painted in Egyptian Hieroglyphics by the skateboarder kids.

Me and friend Sharon dragged him to my place to sleep it off.

He would wake for a moment and vomit pennies and bits of aluminum foil,

and then search around for his dick..."Woody".

He kept calling me Scarlet, and told me that it wasn't his fault that the "remote" got lost.

Needless to say I dumped his ass the next day, and I haven't seen him since.

He did say some very profound things that night though... when he wasn't puking.

The most intelligent heart felt things I think I've ever heard him say.

At the time I thought it was pure nonsense, but then it just got too freaky and... well telepathic.... really!

he said something like :

"illusion runs deeps, alluding to me and the reflection that is you, and photocopies of mirrors,

degenerating. The Gong Show of my moral meter, the lost and found box filled with glitter,

I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted to entertain you, you show you who you are... Scarlet Shortcake.

I love your artificial bottled woman smell. I can smell your yearning... the boundary between us is an illusion"

Now here's the weird part...

I was going to tell him to "shut up, sleep it off"... but before I could he read my mind and said it first.

He did this for the next five minutes... and it scared the hell out of me, but I couldn't stop listening.

I couldn't leave. I was trapped by my own self curiosity.

A new side of me that I had never seen before, coming through him, new because I'd never been in the situation

before where someone was reading my mind. I know it sounds like bullshit, but you

know me, and you know what I'm about, and I... I'm not crazy. I mean...

The things that come into your head when your whole sense of reality is shaken.

The things that come into your head when you know someone is reading your mind... faster than you can think it.

When he was done with this, he just fell asleep... but I was freaked out. I left.

I just couldn't face him anymore. I wrote him a break up note, and pinned it to his shirt.

I just couldn't face him again.

I ran into someone that saw him in a run down casino in Atlantic City.

I guess he stopped doing steroids, and now claims to live off air.

Said he went too far into the evils of the mask, and this came out in him destructively on "Satan's Night",

Halloween... the night of masks.

Said he was possessed by evil spirits, and had to beat them.

He was doing his "Woody" act, but as one of the Blue Men, until they threatened to sue.

Now he is "yellow man", you know like that 80's reggae artist.

He speaks with a Jamaican accent, paints himself yellow, and even painted "Woody" yellow.

And that same note is still pinned to his shirt.

I guess some local film students are doing a documentary on him.